30 Days of Hypnosis

Maybe not two full steps back but I feel like I am doing some kind of self-hypnosis hokey pokey. When I did my hypnosis script this morning I decided that rather than whisper to myself seductively like I usually do I would speak louder. I was still going for soothing, just at a higher volume. My running theory that the kitten loves hypnosis is still intact as Thunder jumped onto my lap as soon as I started reading and started rubbing his head against the book. Then he started licking me and had to go.

I haven’t been reading very loudly for a couple of reasons. One is that I am generally not alone when I am doing this and despite the fact that I am doing a serious exercise here it is still embarrassing to sit in a room reading out loud to yourself when someone else is around. The second is pretty much the same as the first only without another person involved. It is really hard to read this kind of thing out loud to yourself and not feel like a jackass. Maybe that is just me, I don’t know. But I get very sheepish when my volume goes up. I want this to work, though, and I am willing to feel ridiculous if that is what it takes.

So I read to myself at a higher volume and I found that my mind wandered significantly less this way. I also noticed things in the text I hadn’t before. Things like ‘my thoughts will quiet down.’ This is kind of a big deal since my central issue has always been that I can’t get things to shut off and shut up. I am not sure how I missed those references so far as I have been reading this thing every day for a week but apparently I did. It is too bad too because it speaks directly to the issue I have not only with falling asleep but with becoming hypnotized.

It is hard to tell, but I seemed much more relaxed and open to suggestion today when I read at volume instead of whispering. I can’t help but wonder if that success comes from my hopes and expectations more than from the hypnosis itself but I think I just need to let that go a bit. I ponder that every day and every day I still wonder. I do hope an answer will one day present itself but until then, I am going to try to stop worrying about it.

So that was all well and good, I spoke loudly and felt more hypnotized than before despite my borderline Television Anchorman voice and got ready for bed. I ran through the process and went to sleep in short order. It helped that no feline gladiator combat was going on under the bed and that everything was generally peaceful around me. I woke up a couple of hours later to the sounds of my girlfriend getting home from work, apparently driven by her Dad who sent along some food for us. My instinct was to get up and say hi. Her dad has become one of my favorite people and I enjoy his company immensely. Sadly, however, I also enjoy not falling over asleep at my desk every night at work so I resigned myself to stay in bed and get back to sleep.

A short time later, my girlfriend came to bed and we had a short conversation about things that had happened since last we spoke and I tried to go back to sleep. I counted down from 100 again and had an odd visualization of climbing down a rope into a big pit. at around 75 I decided to let go of the rope and fall. I think somewhere in my head the reasoning was that I would then fall asleep but mostly it just looked like that scene in 300 when Leonidas kicks the Persians into the well after screaming ‘THIS IS SPARTA!’ for no apparent reason. Oddly, the last thing I remember is thinking to myself how ridiculous of a visualization it was and that I was stupid for trying it. Then I woke up at 1:30.

My goal was 3:00 so it wasn’t too bad but I still feel cheated out of that hour and a half. I am very tired at my desk as I type this so I can’t claim any real sense of success from the day. I suppose it is a matter of baby steps to the goal though. In all fairness, when I went to bed I was excited that Faith No More has expanded its tour dates and I think there is a good chance of an eventual US tour so that was against me going to sleep. That I wanted to wake up and finish Shadow Complex didn’t help much on the other end either. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.